The Raccoon That Screwed Me

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

My eyes sprung open once the first

BEEP!

Screamed at me, but my wife Willow

was still tossing next to me.

I reached over her to turn off the alarm, and she started hugging my arm

As I fell back into bed.

I watched her turn over to face me,

Her long, chocolate brown curls were frizzy from a good night sleep,

But they still curled into spirals as she flipped her hair behind her

And fluttered her eyes open.

She looked at me with those intoxicating blue eyes as she said,

“Good morning sunshine.”

I smile, thanking God for bringing Willow into my life

As I give her a long soft kiss and say,

“Good morning baby.”

…

She had to convince me to get up for work.

After pancakes in bed from Willow, a chef who cooks with her God given talent,

I got up and put my clothes on as Willow went to her own bathroom to get ready for her day at the restaurant.

I work at an office, pushing out paperwork

For a marketing company.

Not as exciting as Willow’s diner lifestyle, but it pays the bills for us.

“Hey Hon, before you go to work,

Could you get those dishes from last night done for me?”

Willow shouted, as she headed out the door to work.

“Yeah, can do! I love you!” I shouted.

“I love you too!” She hollered, then she locked the door.

I was alone, and I had work in an hour.

I’m already dressed, so it leaves me no choice but to do my least favorite chore.

As much as I hate doing dishes, I love my wife and my clean house,

So, I head to the kitchen to get the dishes done.

I walk through the hallway and turn right into the living room,

Then I pass through the swinging door and enter the kitchen.

When I walked in, it was trashed!

The floor is covered in every sauce and seasoning we owned.

Cabinet doors were off the hinges.

The fridge was wide open with every item pulled out onto the floor

And thrown on the island counter.

Glass was scattered everywhere, and

Plenty of cereal boxes were on the floor ripped apart.

Worst of all, the sink was still full of dishes, with more trash

Piled on top.

I started boiling, I couldn’t believe Willow would leave the kitchen like this

Then ask me to clean it up!

However, before I could get angry at Willow,

The real culprit walked from around the island.

It was a raccoon.

His arms were full of bags of food. He couldn’t hold it all, so

One bag of baby carrots fell from his armpit.

He looked up at me, begging with his eyes, but I glared at the little guy.

As cute as his puppy eyes were, I was angry.

Willow is going to be FURIOUS!

There was no way I was cleaning up this whole kitchen before she gets home.

I stopped thinking logically, my brain was on fire.

I saw a knife sticking out of the sink on top of the island.

The plan made itself, and my legs began to act.

I was running for the knife, my arm outstretched

And ready to grab the handle until I heard a voice say,

“Hey! Don’t do this!”

I stopped,

My fingertips grazing the knife handle

As I stared at my own hands, and said out loud,

“Was that my conscious?

I must be really losing it.

Trying to kill a raccoon… what am I going to stab the poor guy like a psycho?”

“A little bit, it seems.” The voice spoke again.

I dropped my hands and looked at the raccoon,

Who was looking up at me already.

His eyes softened from the last time I looked at him,

But then he spoke.

He said,

“Who makes that their initial instinct?

Hunting for the kill, what are you,

An animal?”

I could only blink, I was frozen everywhere else but my eyes.

I couldn’t believe there was

A talking raccoon in my kitchen.

He spoke again,

“Look, this isn’t my first rodeo.

And you’re not the first guy to try and kill me for being in your house.

I was shot at the last kitchen I was in…

Don’t mess with Texans, man.”

“Texas?” I asked,

“But we are in Florida.

Did you hitch a ride on a train or something?”

“Haha, very funny.” The sarcastic raccoon commented,

“No, I hid in the back of a pickup truck.

I didn’t know he was going this far,

But that is also not a first for me.

I don’t have any family at home, so I travel.”

The raccoon dropped all the food in his arms,

And began rubbing his hands together as if he’s

Washing his palms, but he had no soap or water,

Only nerves.

He stated,

“I know I took your food, and I messed up your house a bit…

I’m sorry.

I’ll leave and never come back again.”

He said, as he picked up a bag of blueberries from the freezer that he dropped.

“Forgive me?”

“No way!” I yelled.

“I’ll never get this cleaned up before I have to go to work.

And it’s all your fault!

I outta kill you!”

“Hey, we don’t have to go down that road again!” the raccoon shouted back,

“What if I could give you something in return, to help you

Clean up this mess on time before you have to leave?”

“Oh yeah?” I asked,

“And how are you going to do that?

What tool could you possibly have that could help me?”

“Powers.” He answered.

“What?” I asked.

“Magical powers!

A way to do chores with your mind,

Without having to lift a finger.” He said.

“You can grant me that?” I asked.

“Sure I can!

But I can only grant you that access with

One chore.

Is there a specific part of this mess you are needing help with?” He purred.

I already knew the answer to this question, but I had one more for him,

“Before I answer you, will I get to keep this power forever?”

The raccoon’s face changed into an almost comical look, as if he was trying not to laugh.

His mouth turned into a smile and his hands let go of the blueberries

When he answered,

“Yes, I can give it to you to keep forever.”

The blueberry bag busted when it hit the floor,

And he said,

“Don’t worry, I got that mess.”

He stepped forward and began stuffing blueberries in his mouth.

I was getting angry watching him eat,

I am running out of time for this.

“Hey, give me the power to do dishes with this telekinesis you claim to have.” I spat.

He looked up at me, chewing at least 7 blueberries in his mouth

As he dropped what he had in his hands and stepped forward toward me.

I crouched down so the raccoon could reach me if he needed, but I felt silly trusting this large rodent.

He spread out his fingers, which were covered in purple blueberry juices,

And he pressed his palm on my forehead.

I could feel his purple paw print air drying on my skin,

But I didn’t care as I looked at the sink

And watched the dish soap begin to hover above the countertop

And cover the dishes in trails of blue bubbles.

Amazed, I looked at the raccoon, who had found my noodle strainer

And began placing blueberries and other food from the floor in it.

I gazed back up at the sink and focused on turning the knob.

I watched closely, the red and blue knobs turning to the left

Ever so slowly, until they suddenly jerked forward, turning on the water.

However, the water did not go anywhere near the dishes.

I was being poured on.

I have work in 10 minutes,

And I’m soaked to the bone,

Watching my floor fill like a pond in heavy rain.

I ran to turn the water off manually,

The soapy water slick beneath my feet as I basically slide to the island

To stop the torrential rain above my head.

Finally, the water stopped.

The lake in the middle of my kitchen

Had glass floating in it, but noticeably no food.

I shot my sight at the floor, ready to tear this raccoon apart with my bare hands

For getting me to agree to this cheap trick for a lifetime,

But he was gone.

And so was my noodle strainer.

I was left alone, doing dishes with my hands

As I called work, and told them what happened.

I was fired by the end of the phone call.

Then, I called Willow.

I explained to her what happened.

Then she said,

“You know, that’s really funny!

I’m at a coffeeshop in town for lunch break right now,

And there’s this fat raccoon wearing a noodle strainer as a hat!”

I felt my fist clenching tighter as I stated,

“Willow…

Tell me where you are,

I’m about to kick his little ass.”

Who could be mad at that cute little face?